


Karmic Retribution

by angryintrovert



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: 1st person, Diary/Journal, Drinking, Explicit Language, M/M, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8528845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryintrovert/pseuds/angryintrovert
Summary: When Grantaire is forced from his apartment, thanks to an incarcerated drug smuggler and some rotten luck, Enjolras offers to help. Grantaire would feel much better about the whole situation if he could just figure out how to stop being so horrifically attracted to the man with whom he now lives. Written from Grantaire's POV.





	1. Chapter 1

feb 17th, too early

has anyone ever questioned why everything related to the crotch area is inappropriate? im baffled by it. sex is culturally gross. bodily fluids are nasty. but the rest of the body is normal and cool? i dont buy it. hair falls out all over the place but hair itself is fine and great, that is, until it shows up on someones plate and then suddenly they deserve the entire meal for free? also feet. feet are nasty af. hands too, for that matter. and the mouth is constantly leaking. so is the nose. and yet the nether regions are the gross section and have been for centuries. im BAFFLED. our world is a weird-ass place. naturalization is a weird-ass thing.

 

feb 17th, slightly later

the more i think about, the weirder naturalization gets. like. nothing is natural? and that doesnt stop us from having ‘normal’ things and everything else. its even weirder when you think about how different things couldve been if one person had changed the way something was done 3000 years ago or some shit like that. what if the original civilizations hadnt focused so much on strength, so women were never the weaker sex because strength didnt MATTER? what if wed never domesticated dogs and they didnt exist in their current form? no no no never mind i dont like that option. dogs are the only truly pure thing on this earth. anyways. idk. im just. its so weird. also like whats the fucking point of everything if it actually doesnt mean anything basically MEANING IS A HUMAN CONSTRUCT.

 

feb 17th, post-coffee

meaning means nothing. fun summary of my life.

 

still feb 17th, probably

ok but what would enjolras be like in a world where inequality didnt exist

he would be so purposeless itd be kinda funny actually

although i dont suppose an unequal world is even possible. people suck. theres always gonna be something divisive. if it wasnt race or gender or religion or sexuality itd be something even stupider like number of freckles or flexibility or some stupid shit like that. the world should be ruled by dogs. that might be the only possible version of the world i would happily accept.

although jehan is allergic to dogs. and id rather like to keep jehan around. theyre the only person i know who can spend their life consumed by flowers and shit and positivity and still be a pleasure to be around. i couldnt choose. thats difficult.

dogs or jehan. what kind of monster would even ask that question

 

whenever, late.

whats the point of parameters in art class anyways

trick question

there isnt one because that RUINS THE POINT OF ART

art is whatever you fuckin want it to be

 

feb 18th, i think. lost my phone again. havent seen a calendar in a while.

ok but would someone pls explain to me why i spent (an estimated) 14 hours on an art project that was so absurdly structured that it took all the fun out of it in the first place?

im a false nihilist sometimes, i admit it DAMN MY NATURALIZED SUBMISSION TO AUTHORITY oh god im starting to sound like enjolras never mind i take it all back

 

feb somethingth

in other news, im completely out of food. well, ok, theres something brown in the back of my fridge and a stale half-empty box of crackers.

also ive been in the same pair of pyjamas for an indeterminate number of days now. and human contact? what is that anyways

ugh

 

feb 20th

so apparently i completely missed the 19th? who knew

eponine showed up this afternoon and told me that if i didnt show up to the meeting today that she would 400% kick my ass and i dont doubt her honesty so im now clean and dressed and also she found my phone? it was in my sockless sock drawer. so yeah. its the 20th. and that means that its time for the weekly meeting of the abc.

great.

time to surround myself with successful anarchists! what a wonderful way to spend an evening.

yikes.

 

feb 20th, musain

doodling doodling doodling

doodling might be the best distraction ever

its not like theres anything interesting happening anywhere else tho

nope. not here. just me and my doodles. doodles that can be whatever i want them to be. doodles dont have opinions. doodles dont plan on tearing down the capitalistic structures piece by piece. doodles are nice. doodles dont have eyes that are almost literally on fire and that make you feel like you are also on fire when they look at you.

nope.

doodles > human non-doodle whose name may or may not start with an e

 

feb 20th, bed

things to do:

structured non-art project

laundry

grocery shopping

stop thinking about fire-eyes and his fiery eyes

 

feb 21st

the weird thing about art school is that it still exists. i mean im grateful enough for it because it gives me another few years of avoiding the workforce but also?? it shouldnt be a part of the formal education system. the idea that students have to pay thousands of dollars to get a fancy piece of paper while ‘professionals’ critique their work is kinda ridiculous. like yeah ok for some disciplines it makes sense in terms of techniques and whatnot and some of the teachers are super talented but also in painting? if my teacher doesn’t like my style then it sucks for me but its still my style and its how i choose to express myself which is entirely subjective and yet im still supposed to change it????? i dont get it. its not like photography or pottery where the techniques matter. if you cant paint, you wouldnt have gotten into the painting program anyways? so telling me that my art is weird and needs improvement kinda defeats the purpose since its this art and style that got me into art school in the first place. homogenization of art isnt art.

 

feb 21st probably

i just got a text from courf telling me that hes having a spontaneous party tomorrow night and i have to show up or else. he actually said or else. sometimes i forget that courf is actually a 9 year old child in the body of a (very tiny) 25 year old dude.

anyways. i have class tomorrow. and also the day after. and a painting due.

so, going probably isnt a good idea.

on the other hand, theres no such thing as a good idea because EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS so i think that i will go.

 

feb 22nd, bedroom floor

although on the other hand, if i go, ill have to see fire-eyes himself and i dont know if drunktaire can deal with that as well as sobertaire

 

feb 22nd, kitchen floor

on the other hand, sobertaire doesnt deal with anything very well

 

feb 22nd, bathroom

i need a drink

 

feb 22nd, courfs bathroom

i found a drink. ill probably need more than one tho. fiery eyed apollo is wearing red skinny jeans and its really not fair.

god bless the russians. life would be much harder without vodka.

 

feb 22nd, courfs bathroom floor

floors > red skinny jeans

 

feb 23rd, courfs bathroom floor

i lied. fuck the russians. fuck skinny jeans. fuck the unnecessary wearing of unnecessarily red unnecessarily skinny jeans on unnecessarily pretty men and fuck my unnecessary attraction to aforementioned unnecessarily pretty man wearing UNNECESSARILY SKINNY JEANS.

uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh.

 

feb 23rd, desk

i actually managed to get to class on time, hangover and all. never mind the fact that im still dressed in the same clothing as last night and i havent showered, brushed my teeth, or slept more than 5 hours in the last 3 days.

hahahahahahaha school is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!

 

feb 24th, too early

i had a burrito for breakfast. depending on who you are, that could either be a great success or a terrible life choice. honestly, im still too hungover to decide which one it is. do note that this isnt the same hangover as yesterday – eponine and bahorel came over and we bitched about things and drank whiskey and ate poptarts. it was a very emotionally satisfying evening. after they left, i finished my painting, never mind the fact that i could barely walk i was so fucked. the result was. interesting. honestly whatever, at least its done.

 

feb 24th, studio

so. ok. huh.

my prof loved my painting? she said that it showed ‘a depth of feeling that had been missing in my other work’? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

i was unaware that whiskey was a feeling. i maintain that art school is a weird-ass thing. still dont get it.

 

feb 25th, late-ish

had lunch with jehan today. sometimes i forget that the way they dress isnt actually normal and i was violently reminded of that when some fuckheads with a cumulative iq of 54 shoved them into the road when we were leaving. scum of the earth. i wanted to verbally kick the shit out of them but jehan insisted that it wasnt worth it. its shit like that that makes me so skeptical of the view that things can get better. how do you change someones mind when they dont actually see the problem with being a bigot? also it pisses me the fuck off because jehan is one of the only legitimately good people on this earth and because they like to mix patterns and colours in a weird way they get harassed for it constantly. you have to admire their determination to keep going tho. thats brave as hell. i couldnt do it.

 

feb 25th, probably

still no food in my apartment. will start munching on my art supplies instead. i could hand in my half-eaten paintbrushes and call it modern art. has that been done yet? it could be called something stupidly pretentious like ‘food for thought’.

 

feb 26th

enjolras texted me. he wants to know if i can make posters for an upcoming rally hes organizing. something about the wage gap. i hate that i still get so stupidly excited when i see his name on my phone only to be disappointed because he only asks me for something because i have art supplies. i dont know why i continue to expect more. its not like i do anything to make him want me around. hes too focused on widespread change, meanwhile i can barely change my clothing on a regular basis. expectation is a bitch.

 

feb 26th, laundromat

the weirdest cross-section of people are always at the laundromat. it actually almost makes doing laundry worth it. for example, the lady across from me is wearing lederhosen and snacking on dried mangoes. theres a teenager at the front whos hardcore rapping nicki minaj, with no sound source in site. just from memory. and then theres my personal favourite, the granny who is 205% a part of the russian mob. she would slice you open from head to toe if you got on her bad side, but will feed you homemade borscht until then. it doesnt hurt that shes wearing 5 inch stilettos. eponine would be so impressed.

 

feb 27th, studio

combeferre texted me and asked about the posters. jesus christ. im being tag-teamed by the most terrifying duo north of the equator. i havent responded yet. i dont know how to politely say no. its a lot easier to argue with enjolras in person anyways. something about the fire eyes is a powerful motivator. and combeferre is too rational and nice to disappoint over a text. actually itd be even harder in person. hes the king of the disappointed look. i hate disappointed looks. i get enough of them from myself every time i look in the mirror!!!!! also eponine.

 

feb 27th, kitchen floor

thinkin about the origin of things is so weird tho. like. ok. who was the first person who was allergic to peanuts? did some idiot back in 297 BCE eat a peanut and then start violently swelling and thrashing all over the place? what did they do? was there an anti-peanut movement? theories that peanuts were the devils work?

ok so i just looked up the history of the peanut and its origins are in south america and have been around for like 7500 years. so my point stands. did ancient people have peanut allergies? or is this a new thing? i mean know that gmos and whatnot are making allergies and intolerances worse but still.

honestly i just like the idea of a demon-peanut-fearing society.

 

feb 28th, cafe

amis meeting in half an hour. still havent decided how im going to explain that as much as i support the idea of equal pay for women (like. cmon. it should be a no-brainer.) i dont have the mental strength to deal with a grateful enjolras. i would have no idea how to deal with it.

although to be honest theres a chance he wouldnt be grateful because he sees it as a civic responsibility and something that has to be done and i would just be ‘paying my dues’

oh who am i kidding, enjolras is a damned good person and he would be grateful because that’s just who he is and im a piece of trash who would never be able to look him in the eyes again!!!! because id wanna get that gratefulness again!!!! and then itd be a downward spiral to obsession and i dont want that. i just. no. im not doing that to myself.

nope.

but of course i cant tell him that and i cant tell combeferre that. so disappointment!!

and the cultivation of my lazy persona continues.

fuck.

 

feb 28th, musain

ferre tried to ambush me when i came in but i crashed a conversation between bossuet and courf instead and ferre is too polite to intrude so im safe from his disappointment for now. im sandwiched between bahorel and the wall in the back of the room. enjolras is waxing on about welfare. im trying to avoid looking at him. that would inspire feelings. i hate feelings.

im gonna think about something else instead. like. someone online asked why angels never have facial hair. i mean. angels are also genderless beings, right? and facial hair has traditionally been a male trait? so i guess if you wanna adhere to the gender binary and its associated characteristics, then because angels dont exist in that binary they therefore dont have any traits that could possibly categorize them as HAVING a gender? also lets be honest here, mustaches are still creepy as hell. you have to be next-level attractive to pull off a mustache. itd kinda ruin the whole ‘angel’ thing. i wouldnt trust an angel with a mustache, even if they were a literal angel. although maybe if they did have mustaches that didn’t carry all those extra connotations? like being inherently male and creepy? i guess its all a human construct tho, and

hang on whats happening

 

feb 28th, bus

eponine is both a very good and a very bad friend.

thats all.

 

feb 28th, probably

ok so eponine decided to tell everyone that my birthday is tomorrow. so they had a party for me. they planned it ahead of time. there was even cake.

on one hand, theres a reason none of them except ep knew that my birthdays tomorrow. i dislike birthdays. always have. on the other hand, itd be kind of a dick move to complain about your friends throwing you a birthday party. and the cake was good. and i still havent gone grocery shopping, so the free food was a big plus. and i got to keep the leftovers too. so my healthy student diet of burritos, alcohol, and scrambled eggs shall now expand to include leftover homemade chocolate cake, courtesy of feuilly.

i really do have the best friends.

 

march 1st

im 24 now.

great.

 

march 1st, couch

went to class. came home. ate some cake. napped. not a bad day.

 

march 1st, kitchen

eponine texted me and told me that shes coming over and bringing wine. nice.

 

march 2nd

what was supposed to be a nice mellow night with too much alcohol and unnecessary amounts of complaining ended up. well. there were typical eponine shenanigans. she got me drunk and then demanded i explain whats going on with enjolras. i attempted to explain to her that there is nothing going on! nothing!! at all!!!! ever!!!!! nope. she then demanded why im always either staring at him or avoiding him completely. i mean yeah ok i do both of those things but so does everybody else!!! enjolras is an unbelievably beautiful human being with a metric fuckton of charisma!!!! OF COURSE IM GOING TO WATCH HIM AND BE FLUSTERED BY HIM. EVERYBODY IS. ill admit that im fascinated by him, maybe more so than the average person. but i dont want to date him. its just a mild attraction. thats all.

 

march 2nd, 4 mins later

ok, maybe its a bit stronger than a mild attraction. but its nothing extreme. really.

 

march etc etc

she also thinks that i should make an effort to talk to him more. all our interactions are with the amis which is fine. it usually consists of him arguing passionately for a specific purpose, and me arguing with him dispassionately with the specific purpose of aggravating him.

thats hardly the basis for a relationship of any kind.

 

march 2nd, living room floor

i need to stop thinking about enjolras.

ok.

 

march 3rd

im tired. i dont want to go to class. i want to lie in bed and listen to angsty music and be an angsty person.

 

march 3rd, studio

i left my apartment. mainly because i ate all the leftover cake and so now there is literally no food in my house. and theres a kickass pizza joint near campus so. pizza. makes everything worth it. the weird thing is that their specialty has sardines? thats so wrong. sardines should not be on pizza – or anywhere, for that matter. now theres an issue id make posters for. stop sardining pizza. i can already picture enjolras’s face. its kind of hilarious.

but im not thinking about that. he-who-shall-not-be-named-or-thought-of-whatsoever.

 

march 3rd, police station

im???? wow????? fuck.

 

march 3rd, eponines couch

how is my life real.

holy fucking mother of disasters. ok. jesus fuck. ok. so i got home from class, only to find the police standing at my door. they had a warrant, based on the reason that they believe that theres millions of dollars worth of methamphetamines in my apartment? i let them in and they started DESTROYING MY WALL. they made me stay outside, and i was just confused at this point and honestly just really pissed off because i wanted a nap. and then i hear a yell from inside ‘we found one!’ and i looked past the officer guarding the door to see a cop pulling a bag full of white crystals out of a massive hole in my wall? at this point i started freaking out and i was yelling that it wasnt mine and was just generally flipping shit. then one of them came over to me and said that they know that, but theyd received info from a convicted drug lord in exchange for shorter time. and apparently the guy who rented this place before me had been a smuggler and before getting busted by cops had hidden it all in the walls? an estimated 14 MILLION DOLLARS. IN MY WALLS. FOR YEARS. anyways apparently he was planning on coming back in like 15 years or whatever when he gets out and taking it all back and starting over again, but the police beat him to it. anyways. i called eponine and shes letting me crash on her couch for the night. shes finding this a lot funnier than i am. and because my apartment is now an ACTIVE CRIME SCENE with MASSIVE HOLES EVERYWHERE, theyre not letting me back in. i got a bag of clothes and whatnot but now i have to find somewhere else to stay for a couple of nights.

i.

what. the fuck. 


	2. Chapter 2

march 4th, eponines couch

this cant continue.

agh.

 

march 5th, some cafe

ok so ive officially been homeless for two days now and as grateful as i am to ep for letting me stay with her, i need to find somewhere new. its not that her couch isnt comfortable. it is. its more that shes basically the single mom taking care of her multitudes of siblings. alone. in a 2 bedroom apartment. im the last thing she needs right now, or, ever. ill ask bahorel.

 

march 5th, some different cafe

so theres a reason we always hang out at my apartment. it may be tiny and cramped and messy but i actually live alone. bahorel shares a tiny apartment with two guys ive never met. bossuet lives with joly and musichetta in a studio. courf and marius live together, but they both have significant others who are over all the time, and im not exceptionally interested in 5th wheeling for weeks on end.

im out of options.

 

march 5th, eponines kitchen floor

i miss my tiny and cramped and messy apartment. and my art supplies. i even miss the cockroach infestation behind my bathroom toilet.

 

march 6th

if theres anything good to come out of this at all, its that i got to explain the situation to my prof. she didnt believe me. she thought it was a terrible excuse. (im actually of the opinion that its a rather brilliant excuse and if it hadnt actually happened, im sure i wouldve used it at some point in the near future.) but anyways. i showed her pictures. the associated news articles. she didnt give me any extensions, god FORBID, but the look on her face when she realized that it wasnt bullshit was incredible.

 

march 7th, yet another cafe

ive been spending full days just cafe-hopping. ive yet to find a place to stay and i dont wanna inconvenience ep any more than is strictly necessary.

and my apartment is still a methhole.

im literally homeless.

what is h a p p e n i n g

 

march 7th, musain

oh for fucks sake

what kind of karmic retribution is this

what the FUCK did i do to deserve this

AGH

 

march 7th, musain’s bathroom

oh my god. ok. so at tonights meeting, after ranting about pro-life activism for half an hour, enjolras stopped his impassioned tirade and said ‘in other news, theres a more pressing issue. it has been brought to my attention that grantaire is currently homeless, thanks to that whole mess with the cops. a couch is hardly an appropriate home, especially considering he doesnt know how long hell be out for. does anyone have any suggestions for alternative options?’ at this point i was the colour of tomato soup and halfway under the table. anyways, everyone already knew because theyre all gossipy motherfuckers, but the discussion carried on anyways. they all offered me their couches, apologizing for not being able to better accommodate me. my friends really are fantastic. but.

jesus.

after it had been realized that nobody actually had enough room for a semi-permanent roommate for the next few weeks, fucking enjolras said ‘i have a spare bedroom – youre more than welcome to stay there. i wouldve offered earlier, but its quite far away from here, and itd take a while for you to get to class.’

what even –

honestly.

the NERVE

but anyways then eponine suddenly smirked and said ‘that would certainly be more comfortable than my couch. and r does need his space’. and then enjolras said ‘its settled then.’ and suddenly im moving in with enjolras? i never agreed to this? eponine did? and im living with enjolras? for a few weeks? just the two of us? in his APARTMENT?

WHAT THE FUCK.

anyways, i managed to choke out a ‘great, thanks’ before claiming that i needed to go to the bathroom. which i did. it just wasnt to pee. it was to hyperventilate because my LIFE IS A MESS AND IM GOING TO BE LIVING WITHIN BREATHING DISTANCE OF THE MOST UNFORTUNATELY BEAUTIFUL AND AGGRAVATING MAN ON THIS EARTH BECAUSE MY OWN HOUSE IS A LITERAL DRUG DEN AND NOBODY ELSE HAS A SPARE BEDROOM.

holy jesus on a unicycle i dont even know how to begin to process this

 

march 7th probably, enjolras’s spare bedroom

my own angst aside – fucking hell, enjolras has a nice apartment. i mean. in retrospect, im not actually surprised. sometimes i forget that in addition to being a professional shit-stirrer, enjolras is actually a lawyer, and a good one at that. but like. i feel like im in some fancy-ass hotel that i could never ever afford. its a weird feeling.

 

march 8th, enjolras’s spare bedrooms floor

nice comfortable bed. big fluffy carpet. huge windows. my own MINI FRIDGE. if it wasnt for the fact that i was LIVING WITH ENJOLRAS, i could seriously get into this.

 

march 8th, bus

awkward interaction with enjolras this morning. surprised? nope. our entire relationship consists of arguments about social issues. i dont know how anyone expects us to be able to have a decent conversation about breakfast cereal. that being said, he did make me coffee. and its good coffee. its reaaally good coffee.

but im now on the bus to campus. i will be on this bus for another hour. because enjolras lives on the other side of the city. my motivation to actually go to class is practically nonexistent. but as nice as his apartment is, im a guest, and lounging around all day feels wrong. so. 3 hour roundtrip bus journeys are my new reality. uuuuggggghhhhhhh.

 

march 8th, studio

i called the police station today to see if i could get any information about when i could possibly get my apartment back. they told me shit. IS THIS WHAT MY TAX DOLLARS ARE FUNDING? never mind the fact that i pay very few taxes because of the whole unbelievably-broke-student thing.

but anyways. theyre in the process of literally breaking my apartment to pieces. and im stuck living with fire-eyes in a hotel-esque room on the other side of the city.

 

march 9th, bed

its weird not having any art supplies here. usually when i cant sleep, i paint. but i cant do that because all my supplies are either at school or in my methhole. i wonder how enjolras would feel if i painted his walls instead. theyre currently a tasteful shade of grandmothers-pantsuit beige.

 

march 9th, floor

i.

oh god.

help.

 

march 9th, bus

enjolras wanders around his apartment, post-shower, with just a towel around his waist.

that is all.

 

march 9th, cafe

drowning my sorrows in coffee. im hoping that a rush of caffeinated insanity will inspire an idea for my next assignment and thus send me into a fit of motivation and artistic expression that will murder any inappropriate thoughts i may or may not have been having about my new roommate.

 

march 9th, bus

how people do this every day for extended periods of time is utterly beyond me. i bought a new sketchbook just for commuting. i dont know if what little sanity i have left is capable of surviving so much bus time over the next few weeks.

 

march 9th, probably

HE BROUGHT ME DINNER. A PLATE OF FUCKING L A S A G N A.

instead of thanking him, i just stared for a while. he eventually just smiled awkwardly and walked out.

im so out of my element here.

the lasagna is good, though.

 

march 10th, enjolras’s kitchen

he left before i woke up this morning. part of me is relieved that i can avoid more awkwardness, and part of me is disappointed, which is mostly due to the fact that his coffeemaker is the most complicated piece of machinery ive ever seen and i have no idea how to caffeinate myself.

 

march 10th, bus

there are odd stains on these seats. i dont want to know what made them.

 

march 11th, bedroom floor

ive definitely been sleeping better here than i did on eponines couch, but part of me kinda misses it. i know its better for everyone involved that im here in terms of logistics, but im comfortable with eponines family. enjolras and i are walking on eggshells around each other. its awkward. i feel like because all weve ever done is argue, we dont know how to do anything else – and arguing constantly isnt exactly healthy for roommates? on the other hand, its easier for me to forget that im tremendously attracted to the guy when i dont have to see him. awkward coffee drinking in the mornings seems to be the extent of it. hes working when i get home in the evenings, and im usually cocooned in my blankets in my room. but just because its easier doesnt mean i like it. when i lived in my apartment, someone was always over, whether it was eponine or bahorel or bossuet. and now the people i see the most are the bus driver of the 8am bus downtown and the barista at my fave cafe. ive been internally debating with myself over whether or not being in a constant state of repressed sexual frustration would be worth it for a decent argument with enjolras. i dont know. i miss my methhole.

 

march 11th, studio

met up with eponine today for the first time since she kicked me off of her couch and into enjolras’s fancy-ass apartment. she was smirking a lot. it was utterly infuriating. she didnt believe me when i told her that it was awkward and quiet and frankly uninteresting. i dont know who would expect anything else, though. he doesnt like me like that, and even if he did. well. it wouldnt matter because he wont. he couldnt. he doesnt. he let me stay in his apartment because hes a decent person with a spare room. he brought me lasagna because hes a decent person who had spare lasagna. and im thankful and im staying out of his way. thats all there is to it.

 

march 12th, cafe

my class was cancelled today so i decided that i should probably get to know enjolras’s neighbourhood a bit better. ive been shuttling back and forth from campus to his apartment and thats it. i dont know this area at all, actually. its mostly residential, so ive never had reason to come here before. so i puttered around, poking into stores and cafes and so on. its actually quite pleasant. peaceful. i found a FANTASTIC bookstore. they had gorgeous old copies of the classics, and i found a copy of dantes inferno for NOTHING. im already planning on coming back on the weekend.

is it weird that my opinion of enjolras has improved because i like his neighbourhood?

nah.

 

march 12th, park bench

there are so many parks here. and the trees are starting to bud!!! i love spring.

its so nice out today. im pleased. everything looks so happy!! the birds and the squirrels and the soccer moms with their future-soccer-player babies. its difficult to be annoyed about, well, anything when the weathers like this. i love the sun. all hail apollo.

interpret that statement as you will.

also ive been pondering the existence of squirrels. why are we so chill about squirrels when all other tiny mammals/rodents are utterly despised? except for rabbits, i guess. but mice and rats? whats so different about squirrels? is it their big-ass fluffy tails? the way they eat, which is weirdly adorable? if people hated squirrels as much as they hate rats, parks would be places of terror and grossness. but theyre not, because squirrels are just. i dont know. accepted. or maybe its that they climb trees? they stick to sunlight and nature, whereas rats like subway tunnels and sewers? that makes the most sense. most people prefer parks to the sewage network. except maybe for jehan. but theyre hardly normal, and i mean that in the best possible way.

also, squirrels get really fat in the fall and thats ridiculously amusing, but a fat rat is also kinda gross because you know it got fat eating moldy cantonese chow mein from a garbage can instead of an acorn or somethin like that.

i mean, when you put it like that, the difference in public perception between the two actually sorta makes sense.

 

march 12th, bedroom floor

today it seems like anything is possible. example number 1 – i solved the mystery of the unequal perception of rodents. example number 2 – i got 6 books, classics, for NOTHING. well not literally nothing, but they were cheap so im going to exaggerate for effect. example number 3 – i just had a perfectly pleasant non-awkward non-confrontational conversation with enjolras. i know. unbelievable.

it started when he got home from work. he brought vietnamese takeout. for both of us. it wouldve been very very rude of me to take it to my room and since i was in such a good mood from my very very pleasant day i decided to just deal with it. with him. with my terrible attraction. so we ate together. he asked about my day, i told him how much i liked his neighbourhood, especially the bookstore. he also loves that bookstore, and now hes planning on joining me there this weekend when i go again? ahh? also he told me about his day too, about a new pro bono hes working. i dont know how much he was actually ALLOWED to tell me, but the details were nasty. a sexual abuse at work case. he was clearly furious, and obviously invested in it. after we were done, we watched the latest john oliver. no arguing. no awkward tension.

today was a good day.

 

march 13th

so, because i had a good day yesterday, naturally, things had to get worse. what goes up must come down, after all, and down it came. this morning while i was on the bus, i got a call from the cops. all the meth is out of the walls. they told me when they started that they would fix it all up for me before i moved back in, fine, whatever. except for the fact that they MISJUDGED THE USE OF FORCE NEEDED TO KEEP MY WALLS INTACT AND NOW MY APARTMENT IS STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND.

theyve hired a contractor to come in and fix the whole thing, but its going to take WEEKS for me to get my place back.

this is literally unbelievable.

also, what kind of bullshit is ‘misjudged the use of force’? that could be the slogan for the entirety of the police system i swear to god. enjolras is gonna have a field day with that statement.

oh my god.

enjolras.

now i have to fucking tell him that hes stuck with me for at least another month. and things were going so well too.

agh.

 

march 14th, kitchen

that went. surprisingly well. dont get me wrong, he was PISSED at the police. he ranted for a solid 15 minutes about police corruption/idiocy and their general lack of oversight, before telling me that i was welcome to stay here as long as i like, then he continued to shred the police for the rest of breakfast. it was hot. the return of the fire eyes, on my behalf? god DAMN.

also, he finally taught me how to use his coffee maker. the thing has more buttons than a fucking airplane cockpit. its SO GOOD THO. at home, i used instant. hes spoiling me. im never going to be able to drink normal person coffee again.

 

march 14th, bus

i finished another painting today. it was a surprisingly productive afternoon. it didnt hurt that bossuet and chetta stopped by with cupcakes. apparently they were ‘we are very very sorry that the cops suck’ cupcakes.

WHY ARE ALL OF MY FRIENDS SO GREAT

 

march 15th, floor

the meeting last night was, surprise surprise, about the police. but what was actually surprising was that afterwards, instead of hanging out with combeferre and courfeyrac like usual, he took the bus back to his place with me instead. he claimed exhaustion, which i wouldnt doubt, except for the fact that after we got back, he proceeded to work on his pro bono case until at least 3am. who knows. but the bus ride was. interesting. he asked about my day. my paintings. he seems to be making an effort to de-awkwardize our living conditions which im 213% ok with. but the worst part is that he seemed genuinely interested in what i had to say? i dont know how to deal with an earnestly sweet enjolras. the aggravating but brilliant and angry enjolras is horrifically attractive, but when hes talking to me about my ART? sweet jesus i think i might faint.

its already very difficult trying to get over your hot and smart roommate, but discovering that he CARES? (or at least hes trying to.) about my LIFE?

he is utterly determined to ruin my life.

 

march 15th, bed

i really love frida kahlo. what a fuckin champ. badass. mexican. hella left wing. bisexual. shes a combination of everything i am and everything i aspire to be.

also she was fully able to CALL OUT PEOPLE WHEN THEY WERE BEING OBTUSE AND FRUSTRATING AND FUCKING WITH HER.

enjolras is driving me crazy. we went to that bookstore this afternoon. he bought me a book because he thought id like it. like. i appreciate that he wants us to get along, especially since im gonna be around for weeks. but like. fuck. its like he WANTS me to be emotionally compromised.

well, its WORKING.

im just. part of me wants to provoke him into an argument so things can get back to normal. but im a weakass motherfucker who is EMOTIONALLY FUCKING COMPROMISED AND IM TOO MESSED TO ARGUE WITH HIM BECAUSE HES BEING SO N I C E .

he plays dirty.

 

march 16th, studio

ive been living with enjolras for 9 days. and he decides that being nice to me now is the right thing to do? im confused.

what is he playing at.

im overthinking this.

i shall never understand that man.

 

march 16th, bus

of course hes being nice to me now. he realized that living together for weeks was gonna be awkward as hell if he didnt try to fix it. and because im a pathetic piece of shit im letting it destroy me!! i need to get my shit together.

yes.

grantaire, the goddamn ROCK of emotionless apathy returns!

 

march 16th, floor

im the human equivalent of mashed potatoes. squishy. malleable. highly susceptible to outside forces eating me/ruining my life. very un-rocklike.

i got back to the apartment, determined to get over this stupid thing i have for him, only to find out that when he gets stressed at work, he bakes.

enjolras, human rights lawyer, activist, and policy fanatic extraordinaire, is a stress-baker.

there were piles of sugar cookies, mountains of brownies, and at least 3 different cakes. can you BLAME my resolve for collapsing almost immediately? CAN YOU? no. no you fucking cant. he had FLOUR ON HIS FACE.

ENJOLRAS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ADORABLE. HES NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET AND NICE AND THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.

oh who am i kidding, im as weak as sunday to saturday.

 

march 17th

its st patricks day. im going to get very drunk.

 

march 18th, bed

love me a good hangover.

 

march 18th, bathroom floor

this would all be so much easier if there werent tins and containers of his fucking baking everywhere.

on the other hand, pound cake is a really really good hangover cure.

 

march 18th, bedroom floor

how do you get over someone youve never dated and never will? asking for a friend.


	3. Chapter 3

march 19th, still hungover, at eponines

im hanging with eponine rn. i needed a break from the endless supply of sugar cookies that only served to remind me that im weak in self-control, for both the cookies and the baker himself.

her siblings are out wreaking havoc on the city so we more or less have the place to ourselves. shes reading something or other, i dunno. thats the best part of our relationship tbh. very little prying. usually. shes being uncharacteristically nice at the moment so despite the fact that my emotional ruin is ENTIRELY HER FAULT im going to let it go because she scares me and also i dont wanna ruin the moment.

this entire goddamn situation would be so much easier if enjolras was as abrasive in real life as he is in his speeches.

 

march 20th, bed

im back. eponine ruined the pleasantness of yesterday herself by telling me that i was being stupid and that she would be kicking me out that night. not really surprised. but anyways. enjolras didnt ask any questions, which i appreciated. so ive cocooned myself in a pile of blankets and am pretending i dont exist.

 

march 21st, bathroom floor

was originally not planning on moving from blanket cocoon until my next class, which is in two days. until enjolras came in and more or less dragged me out of bed for the meeting. im now supposed to be showering.

in other news, i think im getting sick.

 

march 21st, musain

am definitely getting sick. gross.

 

march 21st, 7 minutes later

am sick. joly has confirmed. gross.

 

march 21st, couch ft. blanket cocoon

have i mentioned how much i hate being sick because wow i hate being sick

on the other hand, cosette and marius felt bad for me and came over and brought courf with them and now theyre cuddling on enjolras’s fave chair and courf and enjolras are debating the merits of emailing politicians vs calling them and everyone is drinking tea and so this is actually kinda nice.

if i didnt feel like my throat was the battleground for swordfight between my tonsils, this would be a very very pleasant evening.

 

march 22nd, bed

aaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh someone tell my tonsils to chill

 

march 22nd, havent moved in 21 hours

enjolras came home. hed been planning a pro-choice rally all day. came in. felt pity. im too sick to feel anything.

hey, theres an idea

ill consider it when i dont feel like im about to die

 

march 23rd

emailed prof to tell her im sick. it probably helps that combeferre emailed her an official doctors note.

 

march 23rd

i got up to take a shower but got to the bathroom and decided that i was too tired to take a shower and am now lying on the bathroom floor. its cold.

 

march 23rd, probably

enjolras came home. realized i wasnt in bed. freaked out when he found me on the floor. half-supported half-carried me to bed. am too tired to think about it.

 

march 24th

im feeling slightly better today. only slightly. still dont wanna move. although to be fair, i hardly ever wanna move. but usually i CAN move, yknow? now its like. nah. dont think my legs are working very well.

anyways.

being sick constantly to avoid having uncomfortable feelings for people would have its pros and cons. like, i could avoid being so horrifically awkward around attractive people!! and because all my friends are superhot, thatd be really very convenient. but also like if i was sick constantly i wouldnt ever be able to go out and talk to attractive people because id be permanently sick.

hmm.

 

march 24th, couch

enjolras brought ferre home and made him diagnose me. he guessed a severe case of strep throat. ugh.

 

march 25th, couch

prof emailed me back. she said that as long as all my paintings are in before the end of the semester, she wont dock any marks. she has a heart. who wouldve guessed.

 

march 25th, still on couch

ive been marathoning tv shows all day. finally finished mr robot. wanna marry rami malek now. also kinda wanna learn how to hack into things.

enjolras would like this show.

 

march 25th, evening, probably

am watching reruns of the x-files. have eaten all of enjolras’s brownies.

 

march 26th

ive been questioning the title science fiction. it isnt even science? ok sure maybe at one point it had a solid grounding in fact but it definitely doesnt anymore. and like. ‘science fiction’ is kind of an oxymoron, right? because science implies fact and fiction implies the opposite? idk. and like also now sci-fi is basically just about futuristic fancy technological shit. thatd be a better name for it. futuristic techno-fantasy fiction. i think im onto something here.

 

march 26th, same place ive been for days

questionable genre names aside, i really do love the x-files.

 

march 26th

internet is recommending orphan black. here goes nothin.

 

march 27th, probably. night? morning? idk.

im halfway through season 2 of orphan black. holy shitting mother of fuck, this show is good. lesbian scientists and ukrainian assassins and soccer moms. im into it.

tatiana maslany for president.

googled her. shes canadian.

tatiana maslany for prime minister?

god DAMN shes good.

 

march 27th. couch. surprise surprise.

apologized to enjolras this morning for hogging his living room and eating his food constantly for a week. he just raised an eyebrow at me. dont know what thats supposed to mean.

 

march 27th

enjolras ordered pizza and decided to watch orphan black with me. he liked what he saw but was confused anyways, so we started at episode 1 season 1. id complain, but honestly i dont even care. its so good.

also, enjolras grinned happily when i told him that we were starting at the beginning so he could see the whole thing and honestly that smile alone made everything worth it.

were on ep 4 now. hes hooked.

heh.

 

march 28th

last night enjolras stayed up until 4am watching orphan black and hes currently curled up on his chair asleep. its fucking adorable. i snapchatted it. courf has screenshotted it and made it his facebook profile picture.

 

march 28th, kitchen

enjolras woke up. he then went on facebook to find out why his phone kept buzzing with notifications, only to discover that 11 of our friends have made a picture of him sleeping their profile picture.

hes currently glaring at me over coffee and croissants.

 

march 28th, bedroom

ive opted out of the amis meeting tonight. its honestly mostly for jolys sake. i got a text from him earlier on in the week telling me to get better, but for the sake of his anxiety/hypochondria/terrible immune system, he couldnt come tell me that in person. also im super behind on my paintings and could use the peace and quiet to actually get something done.

 

march 29th, kitchen

i actually managed to finish an entire painting last night! it took me until like 5am to finish but im actually kinda proud of it. at first i was really stuck about what to paint and was looking through my sketchbook for inspiration, until i found a sketch i did of enjolras a few days ago when we were watching some old daily show reruns and i was half-conscious and dazed on antibiotics. i kinda used it as a foundation for a painting. i know. i know. its not a good idea. im trying to get over my attraction to the idiot, and spending hours focused on recreating his jawline is not exactly conducive buuut it did get me back into my mental painting space so im all for that. i dont think id realized until now that i was sort of. creatively stumped. anyways. content of the painting aside, i like the result. now i just need to keep enjolras from seeing it until it leaves the house.

 

march 29th, bedroom floor

i cant believe im about to say this, but im actually kind of excited to go back to school tomorrow. if id been told a month ago that i would spend a week lying around watching tv and that afterwards id be excited to go back to school, i wouldnt have believed it. but here we are. history in the making.

 

march 30th, bus

i will say this – i havent missed this stupidly long bus ride. not. at. all.

 

march 30th, cafe

fresh air and coffee that wasnt made by me. i dig it.

prof told me that she was glad i was back. i think she was joking. its very hard to tell with her. to be fair, when i told her that i was also glad to be back, she looked like she thought that i too was joking.

our relationship is founded on cynicism and a general mistrust of, well, everything, and i cant decide whether or not thats a good thing.

 

march 30th, bus

oh for fucks sake, how am i going to get my painting from the apartment to campus. i trust the bus about as much as i trust myself with a bottle of vodka, that is to say, not at all.

 

march 30th, bedroom

the painting is on a canvas thats about 3 feet long and 2 feet wide. carrying it the half block from my apartment to the studio was one thing. carrying it to the bus stop, holding it for an hour and a half, and then the 6 blocks to campus is quite another.

now what.

 

march 31st, probably

texted eponine about it. she called me and told me ‘enjolras has a car you fucking idiot. you dont have to show him the painting. just ask for a fucking ride.’ and then hung up. what a kind friend.

 

march 31st, 9 minutes later

the thing is, she kind of has a point

oh god ok

 

march 31st, bedroom floor

so it ended up being around 2:30 am, but since enjolras sleeps about as little as i do, i figured itd probably be worth a shot. i found him working (as usual) at the dining table. i explained that i had a painting i needed to drop off on campus and i didnt particularly trust myself to carry it all the way there and i was wondering if hed be at all willing to drop me off there tomorrow/today/in the morning and that id be perfectly willing to leave at his (absurdly, ridiculously, unnecessarily) early hour. he looked amused and just said ‘of course’ and then turned around and went back to working.

hours spent stressing over nothing. as usual.

well, thats a relief.

 

march 31st, studio

so at a truly ridiculous hour this morning, i stumbled out the door with coffee and a nicely wrapped painting and enjolras drove me downtown. what would have taken me almost 90 minutes on the bus took us FIFTEEN. AGH. he didnt ask about the painting tho, which i appreciated. instead we chattered amiably about coffee and the weather and the traffic and it was surprisingly unawkward for small talk.

anyways ive never been at school this early in my entire life. there was no lineup at the cafe, which was odd, seeing as when im there, the line is always out the door. i got a great table by the window. if it didnt involve getting up at UNGODLY hours, id probably consider getting here earlier more often – except it does, so ill never consider it.

 

march 31st, bus

she loved it. she actually. loved it.

i.

what.

those were her exact words. i put my painting up on the easel and unwrapped it and waited for her to get to me and then when she did i was preparing for the usual refrain of ‘you have a nice use of colour, but the unevenness of your brush strokes is distracting, the style is unconventional and lazy, and you clearly didn’t put enough effort into it, etc, etc, etc, try better next time.’

nope. not this time.

she got to me, stood looking at it for a couple minutes, during which time i was getting progressively more nervous. then, she looked at me with a HUGE smile and said ‘grantaire. finally. ive been waiting for this. i love this. well done.’ then, naturally, she told me exactly what i could have done better, as usual, but she ended with ‘really, though, very nice work. i knew you had the potential…’

w h a t   d o e s   t h a t   e v e n   m e a n

im in an actual state of shock. i mean, yeah, i was proud of it, but i wasnt exactly considering it to be my magnum opus or anything like that. it was fun to paint, though. anyways. im still a painting or two behind schedule, so heres hoping that my supposed creative genius continues.

 

march 31st, bedroom floor

my creative inspiration is gone. completely gone. i just stood staring at a blank canvas for 45 mins without touching my paintbrush into my paints once. ive given up.

im going to take a pasta break.

 

march 31st, probably

ravioli has done nothing for me. im as drained of creative inspiration as the vodka bottles piled under my bed.

why did she have to be IMPRESSED this would all be so much easier if she still thought that i was a shitty artist

WHY DID SHE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MY POTENTIAL

existing is much easier when nobody expects anything from you

 

april 1st, bathroom

enjolras is an asshole.

well, two can play at that game

 

april 1st, bus

so april fools day is the worst day of the year. easily. enjolras gave me decaf coffee this morning – who DOES that? ASSHOLE. ASSHOLE DOES THAT.

well, little does he know that i have an IDEA. A GOOD IDEA.

 

april 1st, bus

im skipping my afternoon class in order to put my oh-so brilliant plan into motion. hes gonna regret giving me decaf for the rest of his fucking life.

 

april 1st, sometime after 8

he will be home any minute. heh.

 

april 1st, probably

im a creative goddamn genius.

so enjolras has a nice apartment. thats a fact. its spacious, with huge windows, comfortable furniture. the works. the thing is, enjolras doesnt really care about interior design. he much prefers singlehandedly dismantling capitalism to picking out upholstery patterns. he hasnt painted the damn thing since he moved in, and he bought it from a retired widow. so the entire thing is as beige as a dirty hospital floor. so i did some redecoration for him.

imagine his face when he walked in, only to discover that the entire apartment had been painted a violent shade of turquoise. well, not the entire thing. only the entrance hall, living room, and kitchen. the dining room is full of helium balloons that are all clear and also full of glitter (paid for by courfeyrac, my wonderful assistant who happens to be far wealthier than i am). enjolras’s door has ‘decaf? really?’ spray-painted onto it. and theres glitter EVERYWHERE. that was courfs idea, unsurprisingly. he always has glitter with him. its really quite impressive.

anyways, when enjolras walked in, his nose was buried in some pile of legal shit. it took him a while to actually notice that his place now looked like a my little pony vomited over everything. And when he did, he didnt actually do anything but stare. thats all he did for probably 4 full minutes. then he laughed. LAUGHED. A LOT. i wasnt expecting it. at all. i mean, it was kind of an extreme overreaction to decaf coffee, i know. i mean, i did also put a card in his room with a cleaning companys phone number on it, as well as a paint can of mouse-shit beige, with the promise to repaint it. but i wasnt expecting him to laugh. neither was courf, and courf knows him way better than i do. anyways, then he walked around, and every time he saw some new feature, hed just start laughing harder. when he got to his door, he actually stopped laughing, processed it, and then laughed so hard that he actually fell over.

the entire thing was so out of character, i was actually in shock. courf and i were both expecting confusion, anger, resignment, and then finally forced amusement (in that order) once he realized id fix it. but LAUGHTER? AMUSEMENT? WHAT the FUCK? it was absurd. enjolras once yelled at me for half an hour because i tripped over a stepladder and knocked over a table full of marriage equality buttons. and yet when i PAINT HIS ENTIRE APARTMENT TURQUOISE HES LITERALLY HYSTERICAL?

i shall never understand that man. however its hard to be displeased about that, when the image of enjolras laughing at something i did, and looking like a fucking greek god while he does it, is permanently engrained into my mind.

 

april 2nd, bus

this morning when i got out of bed, enjolras had already left, but there was a thermos of coffee, still hot, waiting for me on the counter with a label that read ‘caffeinated’.

ive been smiling since i got it, and that was half an hour ago. my face is starting to hurt but im physically unable to stop.

 

april 2nd, bedroom

today i was talking to my prof about my creative block and she told me to paint what i feel. not the feelings that come and go, like annoyance at missing the bus, or happiness at tasting good coffee, but the deeper, constant feelings. cheesy? of course, but i wasnt gonna tell her that. she scares the living shit out of me. and the dead shit too. there is no shit left in me. so i guess i may as well try it.

paint what i feel? what DO i feel? i HATE feelings.

oh for fucks sake, i know what she means. i just dont wanna think about it. ive been actively trying to avoid this subject for weeks.

god dammit.

here goes nothin.

 

april 3rd, kitchen.

im running on 8 mins of sleep and 2 litres of coffee. but im DONE. gonna ask enjolras for a ride. time to hand this sucker in.

 

april 3rd, studio

prof is impressed. i was too exhausted to do anything other than smile at her when she complimented it.

i didnt actually focus on feelings all that much, i just didnt actively try and shut them down, if that makes any sense. the painting is kind of an abstract representation of the way i felt watching enjolras react to his apartment. my joy at his joy. im trying not to think about what it means, ironically. its kind of pollocky, with splashes of gold, red, and turquoise, with copious amounts of glitter. it might be the happiest thing ive ever painted. usually im more into realism, but this felt. right. i dont know.

maybe this is the key to getting through all of this. dealing with my growing attraction for my stupidly gorgeous housemate. a (healthy) coping mechanism. painting my feelings instead of thinking about and dealing with them. im now aware that avoiding them is damn near impossible when conscious, but i suppose redirecting them might actually work. and if it gives me a good grade, well, all the better.

if only i could stop thinkin about him altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was ridiculous. OOC. oops.   
> also, I really fucking adore Orphan Black. it's amazing. watch it.


End file.
